Post Natal Blues

After reading Mumsgather’s and Twinsmom’s blogs, I feel dat I’ve something to share too. But please bear with me, it's a bit long-winded.

After the birth of Destinee, I had a lousy CL (Confinement Lady) who not only smoked but took naps in the afternoon when my baby was asleep. Gaks! She was recommended by a nurse working for my gynae. Pappy and I wanted to ‘sack’ her but couldn’t find a substitute in such a short time, so, we had to bear with her. In the meantime, we searched high and low but to no avail. Guess we were too good and lenient.

Destinee was a cry baby when she was little. She was always ‘throwing up’ after her feed too. Always crying every now and then for reasons we didn’t know. Maybe she was a colic baby. Took her to the paed and was told nothing was wrong with her. Under the advice of the paed, we changed to her milk to Enfalac AR+ i.e. for regurgitation babies. Under health reasons, I wasn’t able to breastfeed Des fully. We even took her to temples to pray. Some of u might say we were ‘pantang’ (superstituous) but we had no choice. Some old folks told us dat my baby would cry for ‘a hundred days’. I had been hearing lots of advices and tried almost everything – pacifier, change milk formula, change her position of sleep, change rooms and even bought her the electric cradle when we heard she would sleep better.

Destinee would sleep during the day, came nite time she would be wide awake and would like us to play with her.

Before the month ended, we sent the CL off, Des was left with my MIL for the day. I made full use of the day to 'enjoy' myself but not without thinking of Des. Pappy and I went to pick Des at MIL’s place at nite. We were told dat Des was a difficult baby – crying before and even after having her milk. Upon hearing what my MIL said, my heart was oredi ‘thumping’. I knew I have to manage Des, on my own. I was very sure I was able to take care of her but I was very wrong. It was completely out of my expectation. She was so tiny and so fragile. We brought Des back to our nest at about 9 p.m. She was okay all the while and I thought I was safe. I predicted too early.

At around 12 midnite, my nightmare started. She started whining. Before I could finish preparing her milk, she was oredi wailing like someone had beaten her. Once she started crying, it would be too late to pacify her. It took me about ½ an hour to pacify her – carrying her around the house and ‘oiing’ her at the same time. Pappy was of no help. After feeding her, she started crying again. I had to pacify her again. Before I could go for a wink, she was crying again. As I did not want to disturb Pappy (he had to work the next day), I took Des out to the hall. She not only wanted me to carry her to walk her around the house, she wouldn’t let me sit down. After I got her to sleep, I slowly put her back to the electric cradle but before I could land her, she opened her eyes and started to wriggle and whined again (as if she knew I was going to leave her). I quickly carried her in order not to let her start her wailings.

I carried her and she went back to sleep. I slowly sat on the sofa, dared not move too much. I couldn’t go to sleep for fear of dropping her. I looked at the clock and 1 hr by 1 hr past. Two hourly I fed her, not without hearing her cry before and after her feed, change her cloth nappies when she was uncomfortable. Finally at about 7 in the morning, Des was fast asleep by then and I put her in the electric cradle. When Pappy woke up, I asked him look after Des. I quickly brushed my teeth and washed my face. I had to wash and sterilise Des’s bottles and quickly did some housework.

Pappy went out to get me a packet of fried meehoon and he was off to work. I still had a lot of things to do – wash the clothes, fold Des’s cloth nappies and clothes, sweep and mop the house. Clear all the “sou chou si” (rubbish) the CL left behind – my kitchen was in a mess, the utensils were here and there. She broke one of my claypots, a ceramic bowl and spoon.

I didn’t even had time to take my breakfast and Des was oredi crying again. I looked at the clock and it was about 10.30 a.m. I HAVEN’T SLEPT FOR THE PAST – MORE THAN 12 HOURS! I tried to feed her with milk but she sipped for a while and didn’t want any more. She was crying non-stop. I started crying with her. I spoke to her and begged her to stop crying! I WAS SCARED! Really scared. What was happening to my baby? Why was she crying every now and then?

Someone knocked at the door and I knew it was a fren, Chris (a former neighbour). I didn’t want him to see me like dat. I hid in the room with Des and luckily she stopped crying for a while. After a while, I saw Chris left (I could see from the window of my room). I laid Des on the bounce-net. I was still sniffing. I called my fren, Ah Nee, from the house phone. My handset was not switched on and I couldn’t switch it on cos I couldn’t remember my pin number! I told her I was very “sun fu” (difficult?) and I couldn’t bear any longer and immediately my tears rolled again. She was very understanding, she tried to talk to me. Suddenly, Des wailed again, I had to leave the convervation to attend to my cry baby. I was sure Ah Nee sensed something was very wrong and she called Pappy.

Pappy came back at about 1.30 p.m. and saw dat my packet of meehoon was still left uneaten. He bought me a packet of chicken rice. I told him I didn’t have the appetite. Des was sleeping in the bounce-net. I sat on the sofa. Pappy asked me “What happened?” Tears just rolled down from my eyes. I didn’t feel like answering him. My mind was BLANK! Was I going mad?

I remembered I continued crying and always pointing at Des dat she was crying. But Pappy told me Des was sleeping, she wasn’t crying at all. In my mind, all I knew, was dat Destinee was crying all the time! My sister, June and her hubby Gilbert came back from HKG to visit me. Elyss came with Eugene too. I guess everyone was shocked to see me like dat. All I did was, sat on the sofa and tears just kept rolling and I kept pointing at the bounce-net. Pappy switched the TV on but I WASN’T interested at all (me not interested to watch TV programmes? Must be joking. I’m a TV addict). I just stared at the TV. I didn’t feel like talking, eating or doing anything. I was told later by June dat Pappy called his mother. Everyone knew I was not my usual self, but I, myself, didn’t know what was happening.

After a while, when I came to my senses (I think so), I went into the room to look for Destinee. She wasn’t in the room! I searched everywhere the house but Destinee was not around! I started to shout “Where’s my baby?” June quickly came to me and told me Destinee was in safe hands – Pappy has taken her to his mom’s place. Upon hearing dat Des was with my MIL, I felt relieved. I sat on the bed and suddenly I “plopped” on the bed and was sound asleep. I was TOO tired.

I didn’t know what happened next. After I woke up, all I remembered was I just felt like crying. I did eat something (forgotten what). After dat I was sitting on the sofa again and kept staring at the TV and my mind was blank. In the evening, my very close frens, Ah Nee & family, Elaine and Zindee came to visit me. They too knew something was wrong with me. I was asked a lot of questions but I didn’t feel like answering. I remember I kept stroking Ah Nee's son's head. We went out for dinner. I felt dat I wanted to be left alone but at the same time felt like I needed people to talk to me. I was like, I knew and didn’t know what was happening around me. Gosh! I didn’t know what I wanted.

I held on to one of Destinee’s clothes and kept smelling it. I guess I was too tired. I had a good nite sleep.

When I woke up in the morning, I searched for Des and was crying out for her. Pappy did not go to work dat day and he told me Des was with my MIL. I heard him contacting a lot of frens and asking for telephone numbers and his handset kept ringing every now and then. Pappy told me he was taking me to a doctor and I told him there was nothing wrong with me. I refused to go.

After some time, he told me he was taking me out for breakfast. I followed him. He drove me to Angkasaraya in KL. I recognised the building. I asked him why we were having breakfast in Angkasaraya? I was told there was a place where they had nice breakfast. We went floors to floors and I knew Pappy was searching for something. Later, he led me to a stall and he ordered a toast and a cup of milo for me. I was wondering what kind of breakfast was dat. Pappy was trying to coax me to see the doctor and I finally gave in. I followed him to a lot in Angkasaraya. I was taken to see a psychiatrist!

I was thinking, was there something wrong with me? My name was called and Pappy followed me into the doctor’s room. The doctor introduced himself and asked how I was feeling. Before I could answer him, my tears were flowing again. My goodness, I couldn’t control myself! Actually I didn’t mean to be so rude but the tears were so automatic. I cried uncontrollably but the doctor managed to check my eyes. I was asked to go out of the room but Pappy was asked to stay back. I didn’t know what happened between them. I didn’t know what the doctor told Pappy. Until today when I asked Pappy what happened he refused to tell me and told me “nothing, nothing serious”. But I only got to know later dat I had POST NATAL BLUES.

I was given medicine and the doctor put me on a 2-month course. When we got out from the building, June and Gilbert, Elyss and Eugene were at the car parking space to meet us. I was advised by June and Elyss to take my medicine.

June decided to take me back to our hometown in Seremban. I understand what she tried to do was to help me ease my mind. In Seremban, we met up with my brother, Tuck and family. Later, we went further down to our place of birth in Kuala Pilah. I could only remember dat we had a wonderful time there – recalling the good old memories during our times in our old place. At nite, we went round KL and I remembered Pappy kept holding on to my hands wherever we went in the car.

June and Gilbert went back to HKG after accompanying me for the next two days. She called me every day to see how I was. Elyss and my frens called me to talk to me too.

I felt better after taking the medicine and I had enough rest not without thinking of Des. Pappy told me dat Des was a very good baby all the while – no crying and taking her milk on time. After a few days, Pappy took me to MIL’s place. Immediately, when I saw Des in her cot, I cried. And when my SIL told me Des was always crying, I cried more sorrowfully. Pappy quickly stopped everyone from mentioning whatever which will triggered me. I just didn’t know why I couldn’t control myself from crying. I wasn’t like dat before. My tears were so uncontrollable and just flowed so automatically.

After Des was in my MIL’s place for a week, Ah Nee found me a maid and she’s Marsiti. Marsiti was there to help my MIL and was taught how to take care of Des.

After some counselling from the pyschiatrist and took the medicine on time, I felt much better. I went back to work after resting for a month. Pappy didn't want me to be at home alone and start thinking of 'nonsense'. Pappy told me it was time to bring Des back. Upon hearing dat, I got SCARED. I was thinking, could I manage? But I had to face the reality. Anyhow, I had to take care of my baby.

It was a coincidence dat my MIL, BIL and family were down with chicken pox, so Des was forced to be brought back. I really have to thank my MIL who was so patient with Des and SIL & BIL who were kind to allow Des to stay in their place and endured to Des’s cryings. I was later told dat Des was a VERY VERY DIFFICULT and cry baby.

Dat was how Des was brought back to her own nest. Poor Des. Marsiti took very good care of her. Whenever Des cried, Marsiti would get her away from me for fear dat I might cry. She told me she wasn’t scared of Des crying but scared of ME crying. Eeesshhhh.

After on medication for 2 months, I finally took the courage NOT to be addicted to the medicine. I tried to control myself and taught myself how to be calm and always said to myself “I CAN DO IT, I CAN DO IT!” I was completely OFF medication after 2 months. Whenever I felt dat I was not my usual self, I would drink lots of water and took deep breaths to calm myself. Whenever Pappy felt there was something wrong with me, he would forced me drink a cup of water. *duh*

I was lucky I had June, Elyss and my close frens to talk to and a very, very understanding (in a way) and patient hubby.

A word to mommies (esp. who are under confinement) – talk to ur frens or get help. Keeping problems to urself will not solve them.

A word to daddies (whose wifeys are under confinement) – try to understand and be patient with ur wifey who is facing problems and help to take care of ur baby/babies. (Don’t just snore ur head off and let ur wifey suffer – no hard feelings, okay?)

Destinee is 4 years old now – *letting out a great heave of relief* For one thing I know, I wasn’t out of my mind and I was NOT mad!

Mommies, I’ve learned to become a very good listener. I’m not in a position to give advices but I can talk to u if u need.

Dat's the naughty and cry baby Destinee when she was 2+ months